Wow... long time since I updated... I've been crazy busy, but what else is new? Life's not terrific, but it's going.

I've applied for all the colleges I think that I'm going to. I still might consider NC School of the Arts, but we'll see. I've decided I definitely want to be a dance major. I've been working close to 40 hrs a week sometimes, but it's enabling me to dance so hopefully that will be in my future.

Kent and I are doing well. It was hard after he came back from boot camp... different. But we've worked through a lot and I'm very happy. Last week he took me to see Rent on Broadway which was AMAZING and very sweet of him (it's not really his sort of thing). We're also spending some of the holidays together, which will be nice for a change.

School and work are just...same old crap. I'm so ready for this year to be over in those aspects.

Anyways, I'm not writing as much lately a) because I have no time and b) because it's not as much of a need in my life as it used to be. I feel like I've become a completely different person over the last year, and I've learned to use choreography to be more expressive. However, I will try to update a little more over the holidays.

Today, I went to a gay pride festival with several of my friends. Only one of who was actually gay, but it was still fun. My parents weren't crazy about it, but they did let me go, which I appreciate.

Anyways, while we were there, several groups of protesters set up around the campus. All Fred Phelps sort of Christians, of course. What really hit me, was that nobody at the festival was pushy or obnoxious or obscene. Everyone was extremely respectful and just there to have a good time. However, the protesters were all over everybody, holding up hateful signs and yelling about how everyone else was going to hell.

Going to hell. Because we were at a festival, not so different from other festivals I've been to, it just so happens to be very open to the gay community. I wondered mostly about what sort of effect they thought they'd have. A good one? Definitely not. Even if someone was searching for religion or faith or God, these were the LAST people in the world to help them find those things. It bothered me so much I almost wanted to go up to them and say something. I wanted to tell them that I believe in God too, but he never told me to hate my friends for who they were attracted to. He never told me that they way to help people find peace in their lives is to harass them and demean them. In fact, I think he said not to judge others, that "he who is without sin should cast the first stone." Why is so hard for people to see past a person's quirks or shortcomings, or even just their differences. Deep down, everyone is a person, just like me. They have thoughts, and feelings, and struggles. We may be very different in some ways, or even a lot of ways. But friends can come into your life in such weird ways. If you're open to it, it can be such a wonderful experience. I think I've really realized that in the past few years. That people have so many crazy, hilarious, beautiful things that make up who they are. You may not relate to it, it may not be a part of your own personality, but it doesn't mean it can't develop into a great relationship.

Today, I was proud to be someone who knows how to balance faith and love. I feel that in our society, it's always one or the other. People miss out because they can't learn to embrace both.

New layout. It suits the new weather, I think, at least for North Carolina.

I love my state at this time of year. I love the cool air that lingers for a while before it gets too cold. I love the state fair, and Halloween. The rainy days that force everyone inside and to actually pick up a book. I'm already excited about the fair. I went last year with Kent, and especially since that was such a difficult time in my life, I had so much fun. The smell of the food drifts everywhere, and even though eating most of it sort of grosses me out, I love the smell. I love the way everything lights up at night and the way everything looks when the Ferris Wheel stops at the top (even if I did freak out because our car-thing was tipping MAJORLY to one side). Last year, we ended up having to park way past the art museum and Rex Hospital, and anyone who knows downtown Raleigh knows that is a LONG ways away from the fairgrounds. Maybe two miles or so. It's a very long walk back in the dark. And cold. But if you wait long enough, you can see all the fireworks over the tree tops. It was so exciting and romantic... and it was actually doing something on a date. Not just dinner and a movie. And I am already looking forward to it this year. Even if it is so freaking expensive to ride anything.

And then there's Halloween. Which I haven't thought about too much yet, except that Kent wants to take me to some redneck fear farm that he says will scare me for life. I doubt it, but we'll see. I do want to do something exciting though. I did nothing last year, which was a huge disappointment. My brother is going to use the grim reaper costume again, and he definitely looks just as short in it as before. Anyways, I think the next month might actually be fun, even with school and work. And college applications, which are a pain, but also sort of exciting in a way. It reminds me that my life is going to change very much next year.

Well, life's getting a little better. In some ways. I'm still fustrated with work, but I have also pretty much set my standards for what I can do and they will simply have to accomodate me. They need to start expecting the same thing out of everyone, not just me

I'm also getting back into dance. I've worked out some financial stuff with one of my directors in exchange for taking care of her daughter.

School is still stressful, but hey it's my senior year. It's what I was expecting.

There's still lots of other crap, but I'd never put that on this site, and it'll be ok. It's just life. I have to start living up to my expectations, not everyone else's. In every area of my life.

I'm so tired. I've just finished working a 32 hour week, and I'm currently beginning a 24 hour work week (my work schedule runs Wed to Tues. It's really weird). I've also just finished a major research paper and am trying to deal with both college and high school classes, all of which are very difficult. It's my senior year, and if it keeps going this way, I'm going to be a nervous wreck. I haven't had any time for dance, which is the one thing I really WANT to do. My school cannot suffer. And so I HAVE to stop working so much. I know I am homeschooled. I know this makes me slightly more flexible. That does not mean I do not have a lot of  school work, or even other things I'd rather do.

See, my job is actually very physically exhausting and unfortunately, being responsible and hard working only means the managers expect you to pick up all the slack so they don't have to deal with the incredible amount of laziness that exists there. I laugh when people tell me that know all about the work world from babysitting. There's nothing wrong with making money that way, but do not kid yourself. It's not the work world. I used to think dancing in a pre-professional company would prepare me for the work world. It didn't. Everyone in a piece of choreography contributes. Everyone works their butt off. If you don't? That's it, you're out. Unfortunately, most anywhere that hires teenagers doesn't have those standards. The people don't want to be there. They are being paid very poorly for the most part, and they have to deal with customers who half the time, just need someone to yell at. Or they are simply complete idiots. Of course, half the people that get hired are complete idiots too. The other half are just lazy. I can count on one hand the number of people I work with that actually put forth some effort. It might be one thing if it was just fast food. But it's not. It's like fast food, but with much higher standards. Therefore? More work. For the most part, I understand and it's ok. I genuinely want to do a good job and I take my job seriously. However, being recognized by the managers as a good worker just isn't cutting it. And I feel bad since I was actually just promoted, but I can NOT do this anymore. If my hours don't change soon, I just can't do it. I can't be taken advantage of because I'm homeschooled or because I'm mature. It's just not right.

Which brings me to the next thing. I want to dance. I know it's not realistic, but I want it SO BAD. I recently just found the perfect music for my next piece and it's just gorgeous. I can't give that up. Not for Panera Bread. I have to do some things for me, too. I'm just so tired. I don't mean to bash Panera, because really working there in itself isn't so bad. There are definitely some awesome people there along with the lazy ones. I just can't make that my life.

I hope I don't sound spoiled or selfish in this post. I don't mean to. I'm just so exhausted.